worded

Faith will answer

I wondered, what is fear,’

Cause to me it is always near.

What is fear? What?

‘Cause it tears me apart.

Is fear doubt?

‘Cause I sometimes doubt me,

Doubt if I’m up for anything,

Doubt my capabilities, my strengths,

Doubt if I can make anything happen,

Doubt what I do, my decisions

Doubt if I’m right,

And doubt and doubt and doubt…

Is fear anxiety?

Cause I get anxious a lot,

Anxious because, I don’t know,

What will be the outcome?

Of what I do?

What if it is negative?

What will happen tomorrow?

Is it anxiety?

Is fear worry?

‘Cause I sure worry a lot,

Will I be successful?

What will people think about me?

What if I fail, what then?

Worry about the future I perceive,

Yeah, ’cause most of the time,

It does not actually happen,

It is just my imagination.

Is it fear?

What is fear? I use the word,

But what is it really?

Fear of darkness, of failure,

Fear of not measuring up,

Fear of this, fear of that,

Day in, day out,

The nagging feeling,

At the back of my mind,

That something isn’t gonna workout,

Is that fear?

What is fear? I asked,
And I got several answers,
It is an unpleasant and uncontrollable emotion,
Caused by actual or perceived danger,
Very relevant but not what I needed,
What about this,
Fear is what holds me back,
From flexing my risk muscle,
That hits closer home, then,
Fear is what causes me to run,
Or want to run, that is,
From something that isn’t after me
And faith that it won’t work out.

Doubt, anxiety, worry, fear,
Fear crowns it all,
But they are all in the mind,
Sometimes in my imagination,
Too much analysis of a situation,
Which often leads to paralysis.

But He who is greater than all,
Who was and is and is to come,
Who is all knowing,
Says that I should cast all,
My anxieties, my worries, my cares,
All unto Him for He cares {1 Peter 5:7},
He says He did not give me,
A spirit of fear, but of power {2 Timothy 1:7},
He says that I should have faith,
Without doubts {James 1:6},
That I should be strong,
And of good courage{Joshua 1:9},
And that I’m no longer a slave of fear,
In God I put my trust,
And be afraid no more,
So when fear knocks at my door,
Faith will answer.

Selfish?

“When you do something for someone,

expecting a return, you’re selfish.”

Most of the time, I do this unconsciously.

But I notice when I get mad,

Sometimes, a tad bit frustrated,

Or other times disappointed,

When I start weighing what I do,

Against all you ever do.

When I ask a question,

Hoping you’ll ask, ‘and you?’

When I text you first,

Thinking it’s your turn next.

When I get you a present,

Hoping you’ll get me one too.

When I ask how your day was,

Waiting for the, ‘and yours?’

When I try to get to know you,

Hoping you’ll do the same.

When I show empathy,

Telling myself you’ll not judge me.

Self-potrait by tdf phone photography.

Well, it is very hard for me to keep checking up on you, when you never do the same.It is hard for me to keep washing your dishes, if you’ll always leave mine in the sink.

It is hard for me to keep replying in two seconds, while you take two days.

It is hard for me to keep doing nice things, without even a thank you.

It is hard for me to invest my space, energy, time, emotions, resources and get not even an acknowledgement. 

Because, well, “Do unto others as you’d like them to do unto you.”

What did you call me, again? Selfish?

Yeah, that I am.



tdf


Let them breathe

Stop that,

Stop forcing your opinions,

Down other people’s throats,

Making them choke on it,

While they swallow it,

‘Cause when they can’t stomach it,

They’ll spew out hate, 

Anger and bitterness.

Or worse, they’re intoxicated,

And it breeds self loathing,

Causing panic and anxiety,

Wondering if they’ll be good enough.

Close your eyes and breathe,

Understand you’re not always right,

So let go, yeah,

Let them breathe too.

tdf

In and Out

Inside, Inside I’m burning with desire Filled with hopes and dreams Yearning to love back Drowning in fear of uncertainty Dancing to the tune of my song Laughing at an inside joke Blown away by little deeds Captured in the minute details Floating on cloud nine.
But outside, Outside I’m indifferent, Stiff in every sense, Hard expression on my face, Cool interaction with others, Calm reaction to my surroundings, Lifeless conversation with people, Because it’s all suppressed inside, Trying not to lose control, Be well put together. tdf

I’d love to hate him

My life was the best

After all she loved me

With everything, she did

She could take a bullet

All for my sake

And I was content.

But then I was so little 

And I went to school

And those other girls

Asked about him, mocked me

“Where is he, mama?

“Who is my dad?”

He went to the city

Searching for a better life

She didn’t know whose

But she told herself that 

And if she told me repeatedly

I might even believe it too

So I waited for his call

To know he remembered

Looked forward to his visit

To get a new present

Hoped for his letter

To know his heart

Every birthday, I waited

Every holiday that passed

Maybe this year

He would surely remember

And send a gift

It never happened

It was just me and her

Going through life

Struggling together. 
I became a woman

Though still young

Is it why he left?

Is it because I’m a girl, mama?

Is it my fault he hates me?

Why did he forget?

She couldn’t answer

She didn’t know the answers

And it pained her

It pained me

So I tried harder

To prove myself worthy

If he hears it in the city

Maybe he will come back

Maybe he will not hate me much

Don’t you think so, mama?

He never came back

He never wanted to find me.
I became a teenager

Moody, at it’s worst

And I hated him

Completely loathed him

Who leaves his child?

From birth to now?

I wished the worst on him

Not death, but absolute pain

And lots of suffering

Like I suffered with her

Trying to make a living

To live to the next day

That he would feel our pain

Hurt as much as he hurt us

And a little bit more

Does he hurt? Does he feel it?

He abandoned us to life

Mean cruel life, 

Did his past catch up with him?

Now, I grew up finally

And all I feel is pain 

And sadness, and hope, wishes

Pain that I tried

To be what he loved

And I can’t take it back

Sadness that he didn’t know it

He didn’t know me

My love for him

That he missed it all

My childhood, my life

Hope that it was worth it

The life he gave me up for

Was worth every breath he took

But deep down I wish

I wish he was there

I wish I could call him dad

I wish I knew him

I wish I knew his reason

I wish he took his time

To learn about me

To find me, my family 

Maybe it would hurt less

If I were in his shoes

I hate that I love him still

I’d love to hate him

But deep down I still wish

I could feel his love

Appreciation and encouragement

Maybe then, life would seem better.

Blue Sweater (slam poetry)

Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Do you hear that?
(Her voice lingering on the word hear)
That’s the sound of my heart beating…
(She taps the microphone again)
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of your heart beating.
(She begins to speak faster, much louder than before.)
It was the first day of October. I was wearing my blue sweater, you know the one I bought at Dillard’s? The one with a double knitted hem and holes in the ends of the sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing gloves? It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like reflections of the stars on the ocean.
You promised to love me forever that night…
and boy
did you
ever!
It was the first day of December this time. I was wearing my blue sweater, you know the one I bought at Dillard’s? The one with a double knitted hem and holes in the ends of the sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing gloves? It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like reflections of the stars on the ocean.
I told you I was three weeks late.
You said it was fate.
You promised to love me forever that night…
and boy
did you
ever!
It was the first day of May. I was wearing my blue sweater, although this time the double stitched hem was worn and the strength of each thread tested as they were pulled tight against my growing belly. You know the one. The same one I bought at Dillard’s? The one with holes in the ends of the sleeves that I could poke my thumbs through when it was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing gloves? It was the same sweater you said made my eyes look like reflections of the stars on the ocean.
The SAME sweater you RIPPED off of my body as you shoved me to the floor,
calling me a whore,
telling me
you didn’t love me
anymore.
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of my heart beating.
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Bom Bom…
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of your heart beating.
(There is a long silence as she clasps her hands to her stomach, tears streaming down her face)
Do you hear that? Of course you don’t. That’s the silence of my womb.
Because you
RIPPED
OFF
MY
SWEATER!

By Colleen Hoover in Slammed series

Hey can I talk to you?

Hey can I talk to you

Talk about everything

That seems to be going wrong

In my life?

I know deep down

That with the lemons

Life hands me 

I should make lemonade

But when I get mine

I want to be rid of them

Or use them to get rid of me

So here, in my dilemma, I ask

Hey can I talk to you?
Yeah, I know

I don’t talk much 

I keep it all in

And now, now I just can’t

‘Cause I might explode

So, hey can I talk to you?

A friend, an acquittance

Family, someone I heard of

Took their own life

And it had me wondering 

Isn’t life so  precious?

Why take it?

But now I understand

Some call it fate

Others call it destiny

Others, karma

Others, just life

Beautiful names, nondescriptive

Because if I had to describe

I would use mean, ugly words

Because why is it so cruel?

That it makes death

Sound so heavenly

Before I make any decision

I just want to know

Hey, can I talk to you?
Smile on my face,

I make conversation with you

About mundane things

But can you see it?

The pain in my eyes?

The forced interest in my voice?

The plastic smile?

The laughter that doesn’t reach my eyes?

Are you trying to ignore it?

Giving me the space

That you think I need

Playing on the safe side

Because you are neat

And emotions are messy?

Or are you just oblivious

To the plea in my eyes?

Asking you, silently

Hey, can I talk to you?
Why are you quiet?

Why are you turning away?

I know you can sense it

The difference in me

I don’t know how to say it

I’m not one to talk

I need you to help me

Engage me, help me

Before it’s too late, l plead

Hey can I talk to you?

I have a past, don’t blame my now

You blame me for being bitter, 

have you tasted my lemons?

You blame me for being gloomy,

don’t you think I blended with the 

darkness in my world?

You blame me for being selfish, 

do you know where my kindness got me?

You blame me for being timid,

do you know what my courage cost me?

You blame me for being pessimistic,

do you know how much ugly I have seen in this life?

You blame me for not standing up,

do you know how much it wore me out?

You look at me now,

and see all the wrong in me, now,

the pain in me, now,

and you blame me, now,

because I do not agree,

with what you feel like, now.

Did you know I have a past?

That my life, hasn’t always been now?

That there was a once?

Once when I weren’t bitter

Once when I weren’t gloomy

Once when I gave my all

Once when in confidence, I ruled

Once when optimism was my middle name

Once when I did all I could and more

Once when standing up, was all I stood for

So don’t blame me now,

and forget I have a past.

Just look at me and wonder,

What happened once?

tdf

Who Are You?

Have you ever asked yourself this before? Who am I? You know nowadays people always talk about keeping up with life, yeah there are alot of challenges. We are always finding things, money, love, popularity, fame and many other things. But have you ever looked to find yourself? 

It might sound crazy, but most of us are going through life the wrong way. Doing things we do not even love but because, well, I’ll earn from it, or it’s the in-thing. That sounds like cliche but it is still happening. And it’s exactly where finding yourself comes in. 

Who are you? Have you found you? You are the most important aspect of your life. If you don’t know you, you’ll be very lost. For instance, if you don’t know yourself how will you know the perfect match for you or even the perfect career or job? 

Finding you is all about self searching, understanding yourself, what you like, what you love, hate, what makes you tick, your passions, what pisses you off, what brings you down, everything you can know about yourself. Define who you are, who you want to be. It is a journey. When you know you, you’ll know what is best for you, what to change, what to keep.

I did this self discovery journey where I wrote down, actually wrote down what I discovered about me. There are some interesting things you know about yourself but you take for granted but when you write down it hits you like, I do do that. Find yourself, not only behind closed doors, but in your interactions, relationships, anytime, anywhere. You’ll not know all about you in a day or even a week, but you’ll be able to know what to do and what decisions to make. It’s a journey, remember? So, who are you?